Reveal or Conceal? That is the Question…
Have you ever wrestled with whether or not to speak up about something? You can take a risk and put your self on the line or hang back and hope for the best.
When I think back on my career, this issue was at the center of some of the toughest or most painful episodes. For example, there was the time when my boss was behaving questionably and I didn’t speak up. In the end, the firm closed its doors and people lost their jobs. Or the time when I felt insecure in my job and wasn’t able to let my true colors fly and made too many compromises about my work. I ended up losing my job. There was this other time where I was too forthcoming. I was on a company steering committee and I blurted out that the company didn’t have any strategy to speak of. I was blissfully unaware that one of the Committee Members was a Senior Executive (how stupid?). I duly got my wings clipped afterwards for not having political savvy and being too blunt. I nearly lost my job.
But you get the point. Sometimes when we hold back it has dire consequences. Other times, when we take a risk we can get our heads chopped off. Of course, it’s not as simple as that, but our minds operate as if it is. This is because we create simple stories - whether it’s to be the hero or to be safe - or both. Simple stories most often guide us in our actions.
When we lean towards safety, it looks something like this. “I’m not telling you because I don’t trust that you will take it well” or “it’s not my place”. This “withhold” creates a block between you and the other person because you have a “no go” area. It’s an energy block in the flow of relationship. We then start to look for ways that we are right and they are wrong. We block out the other ways this person is “doing good”. We recruit allies to bolster our position. We engage in gossip. It can become draining or toxic. “We” are out of integrity now. How did that happen? It starts with a feeling of unsafety and builds from there.
But even when people feel pretty safe there are often “no go” areas to navigate in organizations. We all know the veteran truth teller who “tells it as it is” and “puts the fish on the table!” Their candor is legend. And yet, that same person will be quiet when it comes to a certain topic, project, value, strategy, privilege or rank. It’s just not worth it to speak up. These are the patterns that make up the culture of an organization.
Take Boeing as a very recent example and the crisis over the 737 Max. Boeing put money over safety in convincing the FAA that the 737 Max was certified as safe to fly. A trove of internal communications reveals what appears to be an epidemic of side conversations among employees about the jetliner’s safety. Employees were not willing to speak up to management and management was not willing to listen. As a result, 346 people were killed after two deadly crashes.
A culture of feedback and candor would have prevented these tragedies. In the long run, revealing leads to better decision making, less wasted time, safer products, more trust and higher performance. Boeing is now suffering a crisis of epic proportions.
Clearly there are benefits of revealing and risks of concealing at both organizational and personal levels. My experience (now with some more grey hairs), is that revealing typically has better outcomes. However, before you start shouting “The Emperor has no clothes!” with wild abandon, here are some ground rules to consider.
Weigh up the odds – it’s always good to look at the benefits and risks. In this way you can see: a) what’s true; and b) expose a simple story you might have made up. It also makes your decision more conscious so that you are in the driving seat and it doesn’t take hold of you. Writing out the pros and cons on a piece of paper often makes the course of action much clearer. It’s quite surprising really.
Assume positive intent – approach the discussion with heart and compassion. One question I like to ask is “In what way is this person up to good?”. Rarely do people have bad intentions – even if you think they have lousy impact.
Speak Unarguably - speaking unarguably is a great way to avoid blame and avoid getting the other person’s defenses up. Let’s look at an example with an arguable and an unarguable version.
The “arguable” version could sound like this: “The project is going south and nobody is on board: I don’t think you are involving the right people”. What does going south even mean? That’s very arguable. Nobody is on board - absolutely nobody? – hardly true. Who are the right people anyway? We could debate this for hours.
The “unarguable” version could sound like this: “I am worried about the project and having the thought that it doesn’t have enough support. I’m also making up a story that some key players have been left out…and I am curious to know your thoughts”. Is it true that you are worried? Check. Yes. Is it true that are having a thought or making up a story? Check. Yes. The key here is that it’s about you. You are also “holding lightly” your hypothesis about what might be true “out there”. After all, you don’t have a monopoly on the truth about anything except your own perceptions and feelings. It is important to note that this is not some version of “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. And it’s not about being “wishey washey” (a common objection). Rather, this is about being known, being clean and being authentic.
If you are on the receiving end of a candor, or more importantly, if you are a leader who is responsible for a creating a culture of feedback and psychological safety, here are some ground rules to consider:
Welcome every voice – don’t put down the “critic” or discount the “resistor”. That person represents an important voice of the system and has something really valuable to say. We often villainize the person and disregard the message. Marginalized voices are sometimes the most challenging and essential for the survival of the whole system.
Receive feedback graciously – ok, time to lean into that EQ. Most people won’t be skilled enough to speak unarguably, so time to drop the defenses and get curious.
Spot compliant behavior – it is human nature to seek belonging and be part of the tribe. People generally don’t want to contradict the Chief. Be on the lookout for this. When your tribe is giving you everything you want – start to wonder. They might be “yessing” you too often. You want to be hearing a healthy dose of “no” on your team. Also, if you are an especially strong driver, ask yourself often “where could I be wrong?”. Ask with genuine curiosity and intellectual honesty.
Conclusion
Reveal or conceal? Sometimes, it’s not an easy decision because of the risks of revealing or the costs of concealing. Conscious leaders know that revealing leads to better results if done in a responsible way. Responsible means “response-able” – the ability to respond effectively. Whether on the receiving end or the giving end of a reveal, being responsible requires a level of emotional intelligence, courage and a willingness to be seen.
What steps can you take to be a more conscious leader? Maybe try a small “reveal” that you wouldn’t otherwise do? It takes practice to do it well.