Reveal or Conceal – Part 2 (Do Not Try This at Home)

This blog post comes with a warning – “Do not try this at home” (or at the office). My Big Reveal was an experiment to see if revealing my biggest judgments to a group of people would result in more trust and connection. I also was curious what I would learn about myself in the process.  

I wanted to put the Reveal/Conceal Model to the test to see if it really works.  The model is shown in the illustrating below.

Reveal/Conceal Model (The Conscious Leadership Group)

The top line of the model goes something like this. If I withhold from you – let’s say a judgment or a complaint – I will find ways to subtly (or not so subtly) avoid you or withdraw in some way. Because I have a withhold, there is a “no go” area in our relationship. This results in an energetic block between us. Let’s say I judge you for being self-centered, that you always find ways to bring the conversation around to you. My avoidance or withdrawal strategy might be to put off a friendly call because I believe you will endlessly talk about yourself anyway. Then when I do call or meet you, I notice how much airtime you take up in our conversation. I go into victim mode because you don’t truly listen to me. Then I might look for ways to prove myself right (projection). For example, by watching out for how much you do this in other conversations. It’s a simple confirmation bias and I conveniently ignore all the ways it is not true.

Will revealing stop this pattern of withdrawing, blaming and projecting? 

The bottom line of the model says it does. If I reveal myself to you, it will create more connection between us. Good God! You mean If I actually tell you the worst of what I think, we will get closer? Won’t you be upset at me? And how exactly do I own my projection?  

So, I put it to the test.

I decided to reveal my judgments to 21 people who are in a group that meets regularly as part of a Conscious Leadership Program. We also communicate on Slack, a collaboration platform, and we have regular Zoom calls. I took a deep breath and typed up all my judgments for each person – real inside voice stuff and no withholding. The truth be told, I was scared. I ruminated on this for a whole week before doing it. Then I uploaded it all to Slack.   

Waiting for responses was nerve wrecking. It felt as if I had just printed all my judgments about the grocer, the doctor, the priest and the teacher in the local newspaper! Queasy feelings and fears of rejection bubbling up all over. I started checking Slack every hour for reactions – then it quickly escalated to checking every 10 minutes. My need for security, approval and control had reached its zenith. So, I had to put it down. Then as the responses filtered in, a feeling of aliveness and lightness emerged within me. 

The results were affirming.  Most people really appreciated the unfiltered me and expressed that they felt more connected. Everyone was interested in what I had to say in one way or another.  Many people told me how they trusted me more and were more attracted to me because I had made myself more known.  For others, we engaged back and forth on some further dialogue with each other to explore “how it was true” of them, or how it was a projection of my insecurities, or both.  

I wasn’t excommunicated from the group.

With one person it was more difficult.  When we first met, I judged him as controlling, lacking in empathy and trying to “fix” people in our group. One evening in particular, I had asked him and a colleague if I could join them in the cafeteria at a large group table. They gestured me to sit down and continued the conversation they were having. It seemed “heated”. They made no attempt to integrate me into the conversation. I felt ignored and decided not to insert myself in until the subject moved onto something else we could all talk about. All I could hear was him trying to advise her what to do about her issue, and why she hadn’t tried this thing or that thing. My judgments were getting bigger as the conversation wore on. Then she finished the conversation and got up to go, saying goodbye to both of us. Then he ignored me and turned into another conversation on his other side. I was furious.  

I called him several names [insert expletive] with my inside voice – which of course, I revealed to him as part of this experiment.  He wasn’t happy to hear this.

We resolved our differences only after getting “messy” with some further blame, avoidance and criticism. He claimed he didn’t even remember the incident and he went to his colleague to back up his claim (recruiting allies to make himself “right”!). He implied that I might have made it up. I was pissed about that! He said he said he was controlling but I believed he was disingenuous and only saying this to convince me he was being an honest broker. He also suggested that If he couldn’t remember this event then maybe I could be a bit bigger in my personality (ouch!). 

 After a few rounds, and a willingness to give up blame and “being right” we got to the bottom of it.  

Owning my projections was the most helpful and insightful part for me.  How was I being the very thing I had complained about? 

I was controlling…by withdrawing from future interactions with him.

I was lacking in empathy… because I tuned out of this conversation...because I lacked the emotional intelligence in the moment, felt sorry for myself and judged him – a fine display of lack of empathy I would say…and poor listening skills.  And yes – I could have had a bigger personality in this moment. 

I was trying to fix… yes, trying to fix him and his ways (just with my inside voice). 

Once I owned my own projections, I was able to see how I had created the situation that I complained about and even how this is a pattern for me.  We resolved our differences openly and clearly. Now I like him and see a much fuller picture of him. There is trust and transparency between us. It also demonstrated to the group that we can put ourselves out there and not only survive, but benefit.  

 “The goal of revealing is to make yourself known.  It generates TRUST” 

It is important to note that “revealing” in a team or group setting can lead to chaos and mess and it is important to stay the course. I call it the Get Messy Model because most teams fail at getting through the “messy” parts.  It’s adapted from M. Scott Peck, MD (A Different Drum). 

There are 4 stages in team formation. 

Stage 1 (Psuedo) - people are polite and trying to figure each other out. This is the pseudo or transactional stage. Many teams stay here. If people are willing to reveal they enter the next stage.

 Stage 2 (Conflict) – this is the messy stage. Most teams move between these first two stages because they don’t have the skills to deal with the conflict and chaos. It is too difficult. They either stay stuck in conflict or go back to pseudo/transactional. If they choose to give up blame and criticism and are willing to trust, they go to stage 3. 

Stage 3 (Discovery) – People give up the simple stories they have of each other. With curiosity and learning they resolve the tensions of the previous stages and own their own humanity. There is a further “emptying out” of withholds and barriers to true teamwork. If the team is willing to care deeply and commit to each other they enter the final stage.

Stage 4 (Authenticity) – this is the stage of authentic teamwork. New ways of working are discovered and integrated and the team is poised to achieve a common goal and contribute at its highest potential.

How do I apply some of this for myself you might ask?

Try smaller experiments if you are not used to revealing yourself (everyone withholds in some way). Please do not do a Big Reveal like I did. It comes with some risks as explained in part 1 of this bog. Pick one or two judgements or difficult conversations that you have been avoiding and test it out. Every time I work with clients on this topic (and it comes up a lot), the results are always very positive. I imagine – at a minimum - you will survive. At best, you will experience more trust, connection and aliveness.  

“What small risks are you willing to take to feel more aliveness?”

If you want to work at the team level, I suggest you bring in a trained facilitator - precisely because it gets messy. I can certainly support you with this and I have seen the results. It’s worth it.