Raise Your Conversational Intelligence – PART 2
Remember our old friends, Ernie and Bert? In this clip from Sesame Street, Ernie pulls a fast one on Bert to get more than his fair share of the licorice sticks. It’s one of my all-time favorites.
The conversation is definitely a low-trust conversation with little “give and take”. It’s what we call a Level I conversation, as mentioned in Part 1 of this post. To get to level II, Ernie and Bert would need to share the conversation space and be open to influence on how to divide the candy. There would be some persuasion, healthy use of advocating for one’s own position, inquiring into the other’s perspective, and seeking some kind mutual understanding or way forward. It’s at this level where most business conversations occur. High performing teams move beyond Level II to have transformational conversations at Level III.
Source: Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results (Judith Glaser)
The intention of a Level III conversation is not to persuade but to discover what we don’t already know. It’s characterized by holding a neutral space to explore unchartered territory, asking questions for which we have no answers and listening to connect. It’s about discovering what a win-for-all would look like.
To advance to Level III conversations and co-create a win-for-all we need to be willing to show up in six key areas. These are written in the first person below, but in practice, it works best when all parties have a willingness.
# 1. There is enough
Am I willing to believe that there is enough?
As kids, we learn how to get what we want, either by taking what we want or by someone else taking what we want and feeling aggrieved, cheated, pushed around. That’s not fair! There isn’t enough. That’s why this Sesame Street clip is a classic.
The first rule of having a co-creative level III conversation is to be willing to believe that there is enough. When we believe that there isn’t enough (love, fairness, compensation, time, power, resources or licorice sticks), we enter a zero-sum game. In order for me to get “more”, I need to take it from you. We end up giving a little and taking a little. We compromise. We call it a “win-win” but in reality, it’s a “lose-lose” because we don’t actually get what we want. Most conflicts in organizations stem from this mindset. When we are willing to believe that there is “enough” we can start to expand the pie and everyone can get what they want. Ernie and Bert play the zero-sum game with two licorice sticks. This is our default mode.
#2. Define what you want
Am I willing to define what I want? What I really want?
Often, we define what we don’t want. The first step in the process is to get clear about exactly what you want. It’s empowering to allow yourself to want what you want. Then you take a deeper dive on what’s underneath that? What’s the deeper need or core want? It’s usually something more fundamental like autonomy, fairness, peace, connection, security, etc. When you do this, you begin to loosen your grip on “how” you get what you want.
#3. Loosen your grip
Am I willing to get curious and loosen my grip on being right?
To move up to Level III, it is essential to loosen your grip on your story. Am I really not compensated well? Are they really out for themselves? Is there really not enough profit in this deal? Etc. We all tend to get trapped by simple stories. But life is complex and it is rarely that simple. One of the tools to use here is to explore the opposite of your story. It works like this: Find three ways where the opposite of your story is at least as true as the story you are holding. Ask yourself how could I be wrong about my story? Once you do this, you might experience a “spaciousness” that allows you to breath more. The grip is loosened. You might even experience some appreciation for the other, or for everyone involved. You have to loosen your grip to open your mind and open your heart. Otherwise, you will stay at level II. If so, accept where you are and be kind to yourself.
#4. Reveal everything
Am I willing to reveal all withholds around this issue – feelings, wants, thoughts, stories?
This one is radical. If I reveal everything, I won’t have any cards left to play. I will lose my bargaining chip, my trump card, my ace. With this mindset, you are not in a state of trust. Ask yourself “Am I more committed to withholding than revealing?” If so, you will stay at level II. That’s fine. Accept your current commitment and be kind to yourself.
#5. Get Creative
Am I willing to get what I want in a different way?
With an open mind and an open heart, you are free to learn and discover new things. You are well on your way to level III. This is where all parties get creative and think of possibilities that didn’t exist previously. One of the things for everyone to explore here is “how can I get my needs met in a way that is different than what I originally stated?” Another question to explore is “how can we expand the pie?” Because everyone has done the previous steps, Level III is now possible. But there is one more willingness step before you can collect your Level III points.
#6. Take a stand for the other
Am I willing to take a stand for the other person?
I really love this one. The question to ask is “How can I take a stand for the other person getting what they most want?” This also is quite radical and rarely deployed. How can we all get what we most want and how can we support each other in that? It turns the whole thing upside down. I am now standing for you and you are standing for me. There is transformational power in this.
Circling back to Ernie and Bert, what would Level III look like? They would believe that there was enough licorice in the world to meet their needs. Given that, they would explore how to get more licorice, or perhaps have a more authentic discussion about their core needs for connection, fairness, to be heard, etc. They would reveal all withholds and listen consciously, while at the same time acknowledging how their perception of the other isn’t the truth. They would reveal how sharing licorice was a trigger and that the deeper need for control or approval was at threat. With growing appreciation for each other, they would figure out what would be a win for both of them so they both get what they want – even if it comes in a different shape or form than they had originally imagined. They would agree to take a stand for the other one – for what their best buddy really wants. It would be reciprocal.
That sounds like a tall order in the real world of business. Well, that’s what truly high performing teams do. The other option is to navigate level II more skillfully. That’s what most most teams end up doing: they come to reasonable solution where a decision is made and everyone gets on with it (or not).
Here’s Ernie and Bert navigating a Level II conversation – perhaps not so skillfully. But it’s fun to watch. Click for a Chuckle.
If you want to practice win-for-all (or check your willingness to go to Level III), download this handout from the Conscious Leadership Group.