Raise Your Conversational Intelligence
The impact we have as leaders largely depends on the quality of our conversations. Think about it. You want to lead change, win business, engage your team, shape culture, innovate...
The list could go on.
All too frequently, we don’t think about how we want to show up in conversation. We just show up. Sometimes, we think about the outcome we want and are careful to pitch or position something. But what are the types of conversation we are having? It is important to identify this if we want to shift to the next level.
In her book, Conversational Intelligence – How Great Leaders build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results, Judith Glaser identifies 3 levels of conversations.
Level 1 – Transactional. This is more of a tell/ask conversation. We want to get our point across and we might ask for “feedback”. The quotes are intentional. We really only want to fine tune our position or identify any land mines that might get us off track. The orientation is essentially protective and not open to being influenced very much. Sound familiar? It’s often used when the cake is baked and we want to seem like we are understanding and appreciative of input. I’m not making this bad – there is a place for it – but it’s not a game changer. And it doesn’t generate high trust. It’s more about the messenger than the receiver.
Level 2 – Positional. This is where we move from mainly my/our position to include both/all positions. It is the classic advocate/inquire approach. It is more of an exploratory conversation. We are more open to influence and we genuinely want to get to know the other person’s position. We look for the learning and seek win-win solutions. I imagine this sounds very familiar. Often times we are managing the balance of enough advocacy (for our position) and enough inquiry (for the other). We all know when this balance is “off”. The 2 x 2 below shows what happens when we over use one at the expense of the other. We can easily slip back into a level 1 conversation…or into passivity.
Level 3 – Transformational. This is where the real juice is because we want to discover what neither/any party doesn’t know yet. It’s a share/discover approach. It requires high trust and not taking anything personally – not even your “position”. In this sense, the focus is on the collective – it is WE-centric. It is here that we have the ability to co-create, innovate and transform. Have you ever had that feeling of inspiration and excitement after a meeting where you thought “I never imagined we would come up with that”? It was probably a level 3 conversation. Rare indeed for most teams.
So how exactly do you have level 3 conversations?
Well, apart from the obvious - check your ego at the door, have high emotional intelligence, and be completely open and fearless – there are a few basic skills that you can deploy.
Research shows that high performing teams show a good balance between focus on self and other, as well advocacy and inquiry. The highest performing teams inhabit all four quadrants: 1) Inquiry about others; 2) Inquiry about self; 3) Advocacy for others’ positions; and 4) Self-Advocacy.
Adapted from: The Role of Positivity and Connectivity in the Performance of Business Teams, Marcial Losada and Emily Heaphy, American Behavioral Scientist, Vol. 47 No. 6, February 2004 740-765
In his book, Conversational Capacity – the Secret to Building Successful Teams when the Pressure is on, Craig Weber provides a simple map of the skills. There are four of them (surprise, surprise) which nicely map to the aforementioned research. He calls it finding the conversational sweet spot between high candor (advocacy) and high curiosity (inquiry). It also requires steering away from our need to win (gain approval) or our need to minimize (avoid disapproval) – two common tendencies for us humans (see first diagram above).
The Skill Set:
Advocate your Position clearly & succinctly.
Explain your position by sharing the thinking behind It. Share your data and interpretations.
Test your views. Seek out what you might be missing. Encourage others to share views that contrast with yours.
Inquire into the views of others and actively explore their thinking - especially when their views differ from your own.
We typically have a “go to” approach, using some but not all of these skills. The magic happens when we use all four. It takes conscious effort to do this - letting go of being right and trying to understand the other person is typically not a first choice for many of us. For others, stating exactly what you want and why you want it, can feel selfish.
What I love about this is the simplicity of the formula. It does the following:
Clearly states what you want - candor
Says why you want it – courage
Recognizes how you might be wrong – humility
Shows interest in the other person’s perspective - curiosity
The diagram below is a representation of the model.
Now that you know the basic skills, try it on and see how it works. I also highly recommend the book – Conversational Capacity.
In Part 2 we will cover how to have World Class Level 3 Conversations. Stay tuned.